working titles
(partial list)
1. brought on board
2. painkiller
3. didn't pass
4. slot machine
5. betty
6. blue car
7. snow
8. sister mine
9. anchored in the flight
brought on board with some shoes to fill
cold-cocked but hard to kill
taken aside and told that i'm soft
but i like to fight so i shake it off
i keep sluggin' but you don't salute
if you weren't so stupid i'd be twice as cute
wavin' me in, but i won't take my bow
going on guts and they're spillin' out
if i could do it i would have done it by now
wake up blinkin' in a bright white light
the nurses all say i'll be alright
but here where it's so sanitized
i finally see that i'm no prize
cool and blue and red and white
hats and gloves and lips and eyes
they keep me here where i do no harm
a tight white jacket is my right arm
if i could do it i would have done it by now
baby dolls and training wheels
popcorn peanuts and orange peels
bright colors and candy corn
padded walls and endless thorns
if i could do it i would have done it by now
i accept
©2001-4 jan smith
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gave a way my pain killer
now i feel pain
hits me when i don't expect it
and i remember what you say
i want to tell you that it drops me to my knees
to feel this world
gave a way my pain killer
now i feel love
hits me when i don't expect it
and i remember it's enough
i want to tell you that it drops me to my knees
to feel this world
gave a way my pain killer
now i feel
it comes softly when i don't expect it
like light across me it steals
i want to tell you that it drops me to my knees
i want to tell you
to feel this world
©2004 jan smith
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didn't pass inspection and getting smaller every day
put out for collection and trying to be brave
i had a hundred second chances that i begged for on my knees
while the ground kept getting harder - please please please
counting on an idea i lose track of every day
cause i look into your crystal ball and i can't look away
i still only want the one who says that it's too late
your love feels like hate
deep inside the palace the silk is red and warm
the incense coils like smoking vines and i don't feel the war
i'd do almost anything to be inside and safe
your love feels like hate
there could still be chances to slip inside the gate
and if i made it back inside couldn't it be fate
i still want to give you my head upon this plate
my love feels like hate
©2001-4 jan smith
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he don't act sweet on a sunday
he wakes up so blue
i cook him breakfast i shine his shoes
he says i do too much and i do
but lord i don't he gets so blue
cause my baby he's a slot machine
i'm waitin' all the time
to pull that million dollars for my dime
first he says he loves me
and then he won't
says he's thinkin of me and then he don't
puts himself above me 'til i'm in hell
and then he smiles
i tell you he's my slot machine
he may never give me what i want
he may never give me what i need
but i can't take anyone but him
i just let him be
my slot machine
i'm waiting
slot machine
i'm waiting
slot machine
i'm waiting all of the time
to pull that million dollars for my dime
©1981-1999 jan smith
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betty didn't have a dollar in her pocket
she didn't have a dollar but she didn't let that stop her
hard to get far without a dollar
betty didn't care, there was nothing that could stop her
betty didn't care she had no dollars in her pocket
'cause you don't need much once you've got it
betty woke up when the brick broke the window
cleaned up the mess and went to work at the kum and go
she told her boss why she was late
he told her he was tired of hearing her complain
betty shut up -- she didn't bat an eye
betty wasn't used to ever wondering why
betty got home and her mama was mad
told her she could go live somewhere else and be bad
told her if she hadn't dated jimmy (like she said),
there wouldn't be bricks getting thrown in her bed
she said, betty betty betty, what will i do with you
i've tried to train you right, but honey i'm through
you've been more trouble than a girl should ever be
i always thought you'd be the death of me
betty didn't say a word. she didn't even cry
betty wasn't used to ever wondering why
betty thought she could use a little fresh air
her mom was crying and it was hard to care
she went outside and it was better there
and then she smelled the cigarettes and beer
betty saw jimmy standing on the corner
waiting with his friends and she knew it was for her
he didn't turn but she could tell
that he was smiling cause she knew him so well
betty stopped looking as her life flashed by
betty just started wondering why
betty started walking
walked right past the corner
had her eye fixed on what was before her
suddenly as if light was coming through a crack
she knew that she was leaving she was never going back
betty didn't stop as the tears rolled from her eyes
betty didn't plan to keep wondering why
betty walked clear to the outskirts of town
hopped a slow train that was headed south
slept in a boxcar a couple of nights
got off in birmingham and stayed at the Y
got a ride to jacksonville and got a good job
working with a really nice guy named bob
betty didn't have a dollar in her pocket....
©2004 jan smith
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when i open my eyes i see the morning star
through the dusty window of my old blue car
and i try real hard to tell myself the truth
but i just say lies and there is no use
so i keep on driving but i get nowhere
'cause wherever i go i end up here
holding on tight to the thing i lost
and i never get done counting up the cost
if i weren't broken
if i was free
if i could trust you
if i had what i need
if i was loving
if i was kind
if i was safe
if i could find you
when i open my eyes i see this big night sky
with a falling star streaking through the bright moonlight
and i lift up my arms and i swear i could fly
and it's all too much, but it feels just right and i'm not broken
i'm still free
i can trust you
i have what i need
i am loving
i am kind
i am safe
and i did find you
©2002 jan smith
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one-horse town near morning
when the stars have all gone out
one-horse town near morning
and i'm walking around
you followed me through the new snow
doubling my tracks
you followed me through the new snow
to help me make it back
will you stay 'til the light comes
day takes awhile
we may never go home
once we've seen this sky
walk with me...
©2006 jan smith
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remind me of the holy ground
low and high, all around
where step by step and falling down
we make our way
sister mine, sister mine, i call to you
this midnight moon pulls me apart
and pours her heart into my heart
and now the darkness is not dark
sister mine...
i took a turn i lost my way
i was scared i was afraid
i tried to live inside a little golden ring
sister mine...
there was a storm it was so cold
the lightening fell into my soul
it made me young
it made me old
sister mine...
remind me of the holy groundlow and high, all around
where step by step and falling down
we make our way
©2006 jan smith
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built inside the sun and the moon
is a house my mother made
in dreams and early in the day i try to find my way
anchored in the flight of birds
and the songs of water
is a boat my father made
in dreams...
i walk the broken road
i watch the constant star
my boat is a boat that carries me as far
as far is far
guide me, father
you know these ropes and sails
guide me, mother
i feel you but i want to see your face
in dreams...
©2008 jan smith
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